-ME-

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

PEARLS OF HOPE (inspired by Rain)

Pearls of hope
Fall from the sky
God's gift to me
With Freedom, i'd fly.

Yes, they give new hope
To grass, to trees
To everything they touch,
To the open seas.

Come forth, my child
Feel the gentle rain
Let it touch your skin,
Renew your heart again.

But new hope only comes
After tears have been shed;
Coz the sky's so grey,
So cold, so sad.

The clouds they move
Like tissue that wipes
The tears of Sky
For days and nights...
Till even tissue won't suffice
Emotions are too much to bear
And tears in endless flow
Fall to Earth to share.

The wailing winds,
Sky's deep, deep moans;
The duller colours
The undertones.

Yet we can only listen,
Only try to feel
And know that we live for God above
To fulfill His mighty will.

We can cry,
We can moan,
But we can depend
On Him alone.

So let every pearl of hope
Remind us of God's tears
When we do not obey His word
Or let Him take our fears.

And after all that,
The colours will be bright again
Rainbows appear
The new begin.

Written by: Gillian (duh)

Gillianwrote.
10:21 AM

Monday, March 28, 2005

I miss you i miss you i miss you...
Damn... you don't know how much it hurts. You don't even read my blog (i think). Do you know how much it hurt when u didn't care and don't care?? It hurts man... it hurts! And u just... pretend... nothing happened. That's what u always do... i think. I wish i could too. I wish i could just forget everything and not care about you. Damn.
I'm going for another poetry slam. Performing, this time. Hmmm... new experience? I guess so. New things are ahead of me... new experiences, new challenges. I'm most probably going to lead cell with Lewis Lam. Hmm... Interesting (challenging too). Pray that God helps me through everything. I need a pillar of strength and He is it.
Need to work harder or else... Need that honours degree or else... Hmmm... need God or else...
Oh well... After that terrible haircut, i'm left with a fringe that makes me look like that silly little girl from the days of 'i love lucy' or... worse. Help me! Alright. Tired and in need of squeezing smthg into my head before i sleep. Nitez!

Gillianwrote.
2:07 AM

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Hmmm... Haven't updated my blog for quite a few days. One week or thereabouts. Anyway, i think a lot has happened that has made me realized spiritual urgency. Perhaps... i won't elaborate on this, but truly, we must put on the full armour of God. FULL armour in order to stand firm when the evil one attacks.
Been through a lot this week though i feel that i've been slacking too much. Next tuesday will be the poetry slam performance at velvet underground. Should be interesting. Haha... Ok, that's all. Gotta go try to mug at least. Christians, pray like never before.

Gillianwrote.
12:17 AM

Sunday, March 20, 2005

And so DnD is finally over... no more super late night meetings, no more sriram?? hahah... i will treasure those memories, i guess, but i think no it's no more DnD for me ever again! The planning comm, i mean. Guess that everything went relatively smoothly during DND (though there were some minor screw-ups) , so i guess that i have no complaints.
Well, today is the day. So... how do i feel? Not different. Just the same. Thought i'd be like sitting in the dark in my dress and heels in some dark place just sulking/crying/thinking... but i guess i didn't do that. Don't know if i'm glad i didn't... Think i WANTED to. Just to think. Like to think, not that it makes me happy, but... i dunno. I'm weird.
one year... One year... ONE year... is that a bondage? To me... at least... I really don't know what to do with this life of mine. Really... like someone please help me. Like there are so many voices telling u what to do, but u don't know which is the right one.. or rather which is the one that will lead u to happiness. Some things seem right, but are wrong; some are wrong but seem right... and i can't tell. I keep telling myself to stop thinking, shut up and just live life as it is. But... i guess... i can't put things away for too long. Not like i'm procrastinating, coz i am thinking, but like there is no end, no conclusion. No... i'm not bitchy enough. No, i'm not bold enough. No, i'm just a very stupid girl who doen't know anything. And NO ONE can help me. NO BODY. NIL. ZILCH.
See, stupid girl. *sigh* What am i supposed to do? Maybe i'd rather be a robot. Then i know when to feel what, when to do what, when to say what etc. I won't have to think. Won't have to consider a whole lot of things. Just sit there, be dumb and somehow appreciated. *blueh*
Ok, i'm tired, sleepy and have to wake up in 4.5 hrs. So, bonne nuit.

Gillianwrote.
4:11 AM

Saturday, March 12, 2005

The EML concert is over!!! Yay! And it went quite well for me... in terms of timing, remembering the poem and calmness, though i was jittery and nervous throughout the concert. Mine was the last item, for those who didn't know. Hmm... my sis said that because of the mike, i looked like i had 2 ears when i bent down. Ok, so i was minnie mouse for a while (some guinea pi would call that retribution), and i forgot to put foundation(which i took so much effort to borrow) on the red dot on my nose, but the impt thing to me was that i did my part well. So... YAY!
Now i can remember this poem (though i think this is not my favourite poem). Honestly, i dunno which is my favourite poem. Of things that i do, none are favourite to me in that sense. As in... i tend to prefer other pple's work. Hmmm... And Mira's juat such a sweetie... Rach was right.
I've been well.. thinking, like i always do... not about factual stuff or general knowledge blah blahs, but about... human nature? I feel that many pple tend to judge others too quickly. Once u see a person in a particular light (esp negative one), it's hard to change one's perspective. It's like that. Life's like that. I promise myself to try never to be too judgemental. That's me. I have no talents... no wordly/secular/materialistic talents... but perhaps, after that cell group session, i really began to think of what my talents were. I found put that perhaps God made me for something more. Something most peoplke can't achieve. He makes me sensitive to things that most people are not sensitive to. It's so... weird? Sometimes, i'm amazed by myself... by what i think and then do... Hhhmmmmmmmmmm.............
So i have a stats test on Friday. Shd be studying, but thought i'd update my blog 1st. Lemme revise the counting: 6 days to DnD, 5 days to stats test and 7 days to..................
Oh well.. dunno if it's important anymore.
Hope i get my astig 275 contact lenses before DnD, or i'm afraid that due to my 'job' and position, i might have to look ugly and wear my glasses. Hee.... what am i wearing for DnD? I dunno!!! Shd i wear what i wore for TJ grad nite? hmmm... or... anyone has a pwetty dress to lend me??? Nette??? So troublesome being a gurl...
Ok, i sahall now type the poem that i recited today, by memory. Here goes (title: The Depth of Emptiness... was supposed to be named smthg else, but.... haha... ok, dun u go feeling guilty, son.)
Here goes:

The black sky above me.
Deep. Deeper than love, perhaps.
Not knowing what is in it.
Not knowing what is beyond.
Not knowing what I'm going through.

Deep. Beyond all the earth.
I get sucked into the blackhole.
I am not lost in space, but in vacuum.

Nothingness. I feel numb.
Then, i feel my eyes moist.
I want to be merged with the night sky,
To become thin air

Or...
Perhaps a star? The moon?
Then i can see him,
Every night.
But then...

I turn away...

When it is day, i demand it be night.
When night, i demand day.
But yet, he is my ruler of the sky.
Just earth's sky.

Perhaps...
I shall look beyond.

Isolated.
A gothic castle,
But where dreams may
Very well come true.
And i shall be the princess of my world.

Yay! Haha... a bit cheem lah, huh? Lit students can use to do PC. Muahahahahaha...
Ok, i shall end here. Little silly me.

Gillianwrote.
11:06 PM

Thursday, March 10, 2005

EML concert and NUS openhouse is 2 days away... DnD is 9 days away... Stats test is 8 days away... ARGH. So far no one is sitting with me during the concert. This sux. Haiz... I'm busy. Supposed to be reading something now, but... oh well... quite bad. Lack discipline. Ought to be shot. OK, better go read it.
Oh yes... 10 days away to.............

Gillianwrote.
4:52 PM

Monday, March 07, 2005

I'm suppoed to be studying, but just had a sudden rush of emotions? Maybe it's just coz i'm listening to Jars of Clay. Music does this to me sometimes. Feel the distance between God and myself an di do wanna bridge the gap. "Say i heard every word, but i saw u tur away; eyes were colder than winter." "Famous last words: i'm not ready yet, won't be gone a minute..." "Will i ever know that i was in love?? In love... in love..." (alarm clock rings).
Oh well... one other thing that i'm thinking about right now: Is my love for him still real? Or is it just for the sake of hanging on and not losing anything? What will i do if in the future... IF... at times, things seem so fake. Like we're trying to just strike it out, pull it off. Or are there really still feelings there? somewhere... "Not knowing what is in it. Not knowing what is beyond. Not knowing what i'm going through." Yeah... i dunno what i'm going through. Me, myself, Gillian doesn't know what I am going through. Sounds ridiculous, but that's how it is. There was something, definitely... but now... after 6+ months of not seeing him, not interacting much... there is just this doubt. His freind probably know im better than i do. Even those he knows only for 2 mths? I've know him for almost 3 and a half yrs now, but yet... what do i know? Indeed, what do i know???

Then again... why does he wanna hold on? He's staying with a couple of girls n seremban, was staying with a few girls in KL (housemates). I've seen pictures of his friends... they're pretty... why does he hold on? I dunno if ultimately, it would be worth all this torment and perhaps what i cld call suffering. Talked to him on Saturday night. It seemed a little fake at first, then we made each other laugh. But... is that all to it? Is that all to love? Is that really love at all? Or is love such a complex term that even not having the person near u and caring for you, can be considered as one of its many definitions? All i can say is, "I don't know. Anything."
I'm grateful to friend i have who try to console, comfort, talk to me. Who help me along in life. Thanks. It's just that... sometimes, when i walk and it starts raining... i just imagine what it would be like to suddenly be sheltered, turn back and see that it is someone with an umbrella... hoping that that someone would be him... Ahh... Shucks. I'm crying. Ugh. What's a big girl like me doing crying?? Perhaps.. i'm not a big girl. Perhaps i'm just a girl who appears to be independent but really want to be spoilt, pampered, shown love... Ahhh... crap. Shuddup gil.
I have this notion that one day i'll be mad. Really. Maybe senile, or have dissociative identity disorder... and i can choose to forget stuff. Choose not to feel pain... Don't pple feel like that once in a while? Well, i think i feel it pretty often. Maybe thinking abt that itself will really drive me towards this notion. I do wonder...
Ok, i've calmed down. We'll see when these stoopid things will well up in my head again.

On a much happier note: I'm gonna start on a new written journal!!! I've finally exhausted the pages of my old one. However, sometimes when i enter a blog, i dun write down stuff in my journal... so... add both together and u'll get a "story of a girl, who cried a river and drown the whole world..."

Gillianwrote.
10:17 AM

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Deja vu: 3 times in less than a year and yet i still am back to square one. Then again, should i change something? I've always wondered about the future. What it would be like. Where this relationship is heading. Honestly, it doesn't seem to be heading anywhere, but then... i keep holding on. I have the power to let go, though he does too. But, i know he won't. Maybe that's why...
Perhaps it's easier to let pple hurt me than me hurting others. The infamous(to one person, at least) qn "What would u do if you weren't afraid?" has been popping up in my mind ever so often now. Honestly, i don't know. My ans: I don't have an answer because i am. I am always afraid. Always afraid of hurting pple. ALWAYS. Is that the reason why i don't want to let go? I'm afraid of hurting pple, especially someone who trusts me and probably has faith that i'll love him always? That i won't let anything come between us? True, i will never be disloyal... unless... unless what was once in my heart is gone and it's just that it has infected my mind to make me think that i can't do it. Still, there are some things that can't be changed, i think. I think.
Maybe i'm born to be alone. I get miserable easily. I may sometimes be too sensitive to stuff. Confused but yet certain in some things, it's hard to be me. Summary: when i think of the future, this is what is in my thoughts: blank. That's what's eating me up. Slowly... I don't know if i can feel for him again, though there i sense that there's still something i miss. I don't know if it's him or just being together or something else. As u can see, i'm so unsure of stuff myself. ahhhhh... i shall shut up in 2 meanings of the word.

Gillianwrote.
5:29 PM

All i can say is sorry and that i hope u're alright. I wanna act as if nothing really happened though it may seem like "i'm running away... from all the troubles in my life", but i'm not. Still talk, still be friends, though. I really do wan that. Hopefully i'm not the only one who does.
Hope that u'll always be a friend i can turn and talk to. I really appreciate the stuff that u've done. I truly do. Thanks for all the crap, all the serious talks, all the trust and... the friendship. Hope it continues and we can laugh over this, laugh over stoopid things again.
On a diff note... Happie Burthdae!!!

Gillianwrote.
9:16 AM

Life is like a game of checkers. Once u make a wrong move, u can't change it. I'm afraid i made a wrong move even though i tried hard to avoid it. Then i'm afraid i would hurt someone... or even some people. Argh... is it so hard to be a good friend? That's one reason i hate grown ups. Everything suddenly becomes so political when u get to this age and sometimes, i guess i do wish i were still a little girl.
"It's not easy... to be... me..." and so the song goes, by Five For Fighting. perhaps tt's why i like it so much. All i can say is... please please please don't come too near. U might burn urself and end up with a major scar. Not good. Friendship means a lot to me. I'll always hold on to friendship... if i can; if it's within my utmost ability.
Ok, think i might be spoiling the mood, but... sorry... This is too much to handle for a little girl. This little girl wants to dig a hole and hide or run away...

Gillianwrote.
1:41 AM

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Ok, it's 8+ in the moirning and i'm awake!!! Yeah... coz i slept early. Cell grp later today and then i'll have to 'rehearse' for EML. Oh well, better make good use of my time the next few days. Guess what? I won 2nd place for Changing Landscapes contest! Poetry what... haha... my forte.
I seem to be leading people on. Shucks. This is bad... I can't... not now... I'm just trying to be a friend. I'm a person who usually goes the extra mile for my friends and i think i went an extra 3 miles for the person who deosn't read my blog. Perhaps a good friend, but i can't be anything more, not now, anyway. My whole life consists of church, studies, meetings and some additional stuff and (to a person who doesn't exactly read my blog) i wonder if u're just somewhere out there like my name was on that tree. Somewhere out of ur heart but in ur life somehow. 20 more days to go, huh? Hmmm...
Well, i think i'd better go read some stuff/study/mug. Take care ya all!!!

Gillianwrote.
8:53 AM