Saturday, April 30, 2005
Heavy heart...I'll be praying for you. Didn't realize that things were so bad. Take care... Will call u soon.
Gillianwrote.
10:59 PM
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
This blog entry is dedicated to a friend wo has been helping me in my stats. Haha... U know who u are. And really... if not for ur help, i think i'll be sitting in my room crying in frustration now. Hmm.... there's a purpose for ur life. Erm.. but i'm sure there are other purposes for ur existence that u have yet to discover- much greater than helping me! Hope u'll decide to get down from that little mountain and go discover what life has in store for u an what perhaps u were really made for. Interesting, isn't it? What was i made for? I have yet to discover that myself. Yup. Just wanna say a BIG THANK ＹＯＵ all over again. You've truly been a great help and friend. *smilez*
Gillianwrote.
4:52 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Stared at stats past exam paper till i nodded off. Still can't do those questions. I feel like tearing my hair out in frustration. ARGH. Crap. Half a bloody day wasted and i've learnt nothing. "Look, try to figure it out step by step" says Mr Brain, but... Ok, gotta go try again and probably continue staring at the papers and flipping the book and ending up with no answers. I keep saying i'm a nerd coz i do study. I study like mad sometimes. Haven't watched TV in ages. Remembered last time when i was practically hooked on TV.Well, it can be said that me getting into uni is a miracle in itself. Never thought i'd make it to JC, never thought i'd come this far. Still, now i'm stuck here in this hole, and i can't turn anywhere. To turn right. left, back or front will cause me to be a uncomfortable or weird positions. Up? Hahahahahahaha...
Gillianwrote.
3:01 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005
Tired now. Didn't have a very good sleep last night. Think there were bed bugs on my bed or something Found myself scratching and scratchingmy legs... no where else. I think they were on my blanket too. So i just took my extra blanket (the one i use to iron on), spread it out on the floor, took my jacket and pillow and slept. Ended up really sleeping at ard 2.40am. Thank goodness i have a big room. Heh... Just washed my blanket and bedsheet. Sprayed my mattress and under my bed with baygon. Fumigated my bed, basically.Gonna study econs today and then from tomorrow till thursday, it's gonna be stats. Time to ACE STATS!!! Muahahaha... (yeah rite...) Trying to give myself some confidence. Heh...Father should be ok... he called my brother. Bro said he sounded a bit weak. Ok, off to mug again and perhaps take a short nap later and maaayyyybeee fumigate my bed one more time. Paranoid girl here. Tata.
Gillianwrote.
1:40 PM
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Left exam hall early... feeling guilty now. Maybe i could have done the last qn better. My answer seems wrong after discussing with my friends, *SIGH* I shall never leave the exam hall early again. NEVER. There goes my hopes for an A. Something i doubt i can get for papers like stats and genes. Blueh. Going home then going to study for changing landscapes.
Gillianwrote.
11:40 AM
Friday, April 22, 2005
Just realized that it has been slightly over a month now. Wonder how u're doing. Not the generic stuff, the details. Or maybe... i never did really know the details anyway? Should be doing my last bit of anxious revision for tmr's paper, but somehow... the realization struck me. Haha... Hope u're fine. Don't worry too much. Ur future is bright. The girl who gets you will be lucky. I can imagine... living in comfort... but i guess, that's not all that matters in life, is it? I guess i'm learning to see things in the eternl perspective. Well, you won't really know how i feel. It seemed like u never really cared till i said things explicitly anyway. But... well, there are a lot of 'but's and 'although's...
Alright. A bit more pia-ing and i'm going off to sleep. zzzZZZ...
Gillianwrote.
11:23 PM
Shucks... i forgot u only take black coffee. Sorry. Keep it anyway till the day u're super desperate.
To all NUS students: All the best for the exams!
Gillianwrote.
5:52 PM
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Father having operation today. For all the Christians out there, please pray for him. That he op will be successful and that his health will return to normal after the op. Thanks.Exam in 2 days. English is 1st paper. Think i need to go through some stuff then do past year papers. Yep. Gotta mug. Go gil...
Gillianwrote.
11:05 AM
I'm tired... eyes closing... did about/almost 2 past year psyach stats papers. So much i still am unsure about! Blueh... 2 days to exams and i'm unprepared. Ok, so i kinda finished going through everything... but everything sure went through my head. Bypassed my brain, or whatever i actually have in my head. Doesn't seem like a brain to me... Need to go through econs again, especially macro. It's rusty... everything's rusty. One more thing... studying make me hungry... my appetite has increased. UGH. Bad... with the additional fact that i don't usually run during the exam period. Fats, lipids and triglycerides looking at me gleefully. Heh...Alwite... gonna go sleep soon. Need to train myself to wake up at 7.30pm though i'm still not waking up that early. At least earlier than i used to. Just in time to grab a few slices of brad to eat with nutella spread. Mmmm... maybe i should invest on the large bottle instead of buying those little 20g packs for 60cents each. Yeah... hmmm... and i did say studying makes me hungry, so i guess i could though the my conscience is telling me that it's sinful. Haha...Just ate half a bar of Snickers. Haha... dun ask me why half a bar. Heheh. Ok, this long-winded person is going to bed. Nitez!
Gillianwrote.
12:52 AM
Monday, April 18, 2005
Haiz... just had lunch... mashed potato and some other junk. Hee... And came back from consultation with Dr Why. Argh... are all psych tutors like that? They intimidate u and make u feel dumb till u don't want to ask them questions. Ok, i know that i am dumb, but don't remind me, ok?? But i guess he was trying his best to explain to us. Interestingly, we all shared the same sentiments... all thought that tutors act as if we're dumb. Well... i guess it's coz they're smart. Drs what.Still, i don't just feel that with tutors... i always feel like that even around friends... I'm far from bright. Even my dad told me that. The reason why i've come this far (not very far, actually), is coz i force myself to mug. It's hardwork that got this no-brainer here. I study slow, understand things slow, grasp concepts slow. In short, my middle name is snail. *sigh*Alright. Back to mugging. (see...)Special thanks to:-Lewis for the books and Flash bookmark-KK for the stats notes-Faz who came to rescue me from a spider that was non-existent-My conscience that keeps reminding me that i have to study
Gillianwrote.
12:15 PM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Yay! I'm talking to Faz. Haha... Oh well... *smilez*Feel relatively accomplished today. First saturday when i didn't tale a nap (though i almost did doze off... love my emoticon of that girl) Hee... Went through a bit of stats... kinda what was left from my last revision of the textbook (Howell) and then went through my tutorials one by one. Just finished going through them and decided to blog. Come to think of it. i didn't accomplish very much. *sigh* Still... at least i worked hard...? Have a lot of stuff i still don't quite understand. Going to see my tutor on Monday... Dr Why. Sounds like some character pulled out of a 'Science for kids' show. Haha... ooopppssss... but at least he's willing to 'be consulted'. Heh... Hope i'll be able to clear all my doubts. Then i'll look through my 2 test papers and then try the past year exam papers. Time is running out.Ok, seeing my cell members tmr again. Yay! Better sleep now in order to wake up early for morning service tmr. Tata...
Gillianwrote.
1:55 AM
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Tell me what to do with faz... *sigh* Faz, if u ever read this... I hope u'll do what's best for urself. I'm really worried about ur studies. U know how much u need to pull up ur socks. Sorry for all arguments and accusations, but somehhow i think ythat being in jcrc has made u so critical and judgemental about others that u just don't see the other side of them. You don't look at them from a resident's point of view anymore. I don't like it when we argue over these sort of things. Not worth it. Still... U're my good friend and yet these kind of stupid things always cause us to argue with each other. ARGH.Oh well... i myself had better catch up with my studies. I dunno if i'll be able to finish studying everything before my papers. Help... The only module that seems to be alright at this point is my EL1101E. Haiz... the rest................I've just applied for Concert Hon Gen Secr. Kok Tiong approached me to tke up the post. Don't know if it's the right thing to do with my 80% confirmed Logistics major position. Still, being hon gen means that i can work at my own time, which also means that no one will touch my sundays with God and my little ones. Hahaha... 2 interviews on Sunday...
Thought of the day (while in the loo):Marble tiles are more interesting to look at coz the patterns can generate more images in ur mind than plain tiles can.Then:I think i'm officially going mad. One weird girl who thinks of the weirdest things. Woodbridge here i come. Off to continue mugging for econs. Tata.
Gillianwrote.
1:32 AM
Friday, April 15, 2005
Haha... i shd be sleeping now. Came back from E2 not long ago. Was studying near the MIT alliance at 1st. Nice spot, but lotsa mosquitoes. Apparently, my blood is pretty sweet.
Yeah, yeah... i'm the girl who does stupid things and stupid things happen to me. Just reflecting upon the week... Sunday night and the vomit thing, Monday's incident of my flying bean sprouts... Boy was i uniliated both times. The latter occasion being of my own fault. I shall never attempt to cut my beef redang again. Guess God gave us teeth for a reason.
Ok, ok... stop laughing at silly gily. She doesn't
want these things to happen to her. They somehow just do. Blueh. Ok, need to sleep. Have to wake up tmr, study, mug, study, mug, study. *sigh* no life whatsoever. Have to study harder. Can't slow down or i won't be able to complete my studying. I'm so slow. I'm already falling behind in my schedule quite a bit. Dying... slowly melting into helplessness...
Alright, enough of the crap. Straighten up and fly right! Nite. Or rather, morning.
Gillianwrote.
3:16 AM
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Norah Jones sure is good. Listening to her "Grass is blue" once again coz it makes sense...
"Rivers flow backwards, valleys are high... Mountains are level, truth is a lie... I'm perfectly fine and i don't miss u... and the sky is green and the grass is blue..." Makes sense, doesn't it? Hah.
Alright... anyway, to someone i know who has only eaten NYDC's mushroom monsters once (if u still read my blog) and to all those who are mushroom monster lovers: NYDC is gonna take it off the menu soon!!! Go eat as often as u can in this one mth! They're taking it off the menu coz it's hard to get the mushrooms. Some pple complained abt it's unavailability that kinda can't be helped. So... *sobz* and this is exam mth!!!! How to go and eat??? Haiz... Unless i steal the recipe... muahahaha... Being a stupid girl trying to act funny again. Life really is monotonous during this period. Wish i had to be saved from mushroom monsters instead of stats and genes monsters. Hey... maybe we can tell the mushroom suppliers to genetically modify the mushrooms so they get higher yields and then... mushroom monsters will be back on the menu!!! maybe even at a cheaper price. YUM!!!
Ok, crazy gurl on the loose... beware. Ok, gotta go for the rag and flag meeting at nussu office in 20 mins, so better read some notes now. Hope the meeting won't last for more than 2 hrs. Think i'll just skip dinner today considering what i ate yesterday and today. Maybe i'll go running too, considering that i didn't go yesterday and that my guilt is neck-high now. *blueh*
Gillianwrote.
5:46 PM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Kermit's 'rainbow connection' is going through my head. Has been going in roundabouts since this afternoon, or even morning. Guess the song does make sense now, somehow... Missed his call last night. He sent an e-card to say he just wanted to say hi... Can't tell him anything coz it would make it harder. Can't tell anyone anything coz it'll always make things harder... Hate the feeling... the feeling where u feel that someone feels and u know u feel it too but are trying so hard to stop feeling. Blueh.Went to munchie monkey's again, this time with daryl and yiling and for dinner. Now feeling super broke and guilty. Ugh.
Supposed to call my cell members today but... Rach not in hall so can't use her phone. I'll gladly pay her for the usage, but i really don't wanna use my hp coz it's so expensive. Rachel... come back! Leading a cell sure is tough... especially with the standard lewis lam set. Super high, i tell u... can only give that kind of commitment during the hols. He actually goes out with them... in grps (the guys anyway) and i'm supposed to do that with the girls. Like wah... I was impressed/surprised/shocked/taken aback/PHWOOOAAAHHH when he told me he does those things. He really ain't the normal leader. He's too free and has got too much passion and love for them.
*sigh* Rag & Flag meeting tmr with NUSSU, what someone calls No Use So... uhm... i kinda forgot, but knew it wasn't very nice. Hmmmm............ But rag & flag meeting?? So near exam period?? Haiz...Ok, should go back to studying. Wonder if i shd go running at 12+ later to burn off the chocolate mondae and chicken pizza. Hmmm.... We'll see...
Gillianwrote.
9:45 PM
Facade of a girl.Went running... running away... it just followed. Ran away, but it's still tagging along wherever i go. Ran alone, even that didn't make it go away. What can i say? Don't know what to do. Don't ask me to defie what 'it' is, coz i won't and perhaps i can't.I'm weird. Really. To myself, anyway... Really really weird. Crazy weird, mad weird, strange weird... WEIRD.Ok. guess i gotta go bathe after the 2.4 at the track. Ran alone, but there were like so many other pple there. Everyone trying to relieve some kinda stress or other, i guess. Bye for now.P.S.: My toe seems fine... i could run w/o trouble. Think i won;t have to pull it out. Yay!!!
(after complaints of not being able to see the words on my blog, i have decided to use this colour and not the default...)
Gillianwrote.
12:13 AM
Monday, April 11, 2005
Sinful lunch...
Stupid lunch...
Weird dinner...
Weird thoughts...
Run... away...
Run faster than IT.
Run so fast it can't catch me.
I will run... run away...................................
Gillianwrote.
10:09 PM
Perhaps...Maybe...But...Really...?No...No...No...Couldn't be...Can't be...Insane...No...Then why...?I... don't know...But...How...?Maybe???I don't know...What...?!No...No...No...But...No...I...no........no...........no..?
Gillianwrote.
10:05 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
I feel much much much MUCH MUCH cleaner now. No one could have guess what happened to me! ME!!! Why me???!!! *sigh* Thing was that i wasn't even angry. I was sympathetic...
On the train back to hall (clementi), i was reading my notes. Managed to get a seat coz it was quite empty at Simei. The seats beside me were empty then someone sat on my left then right. After a while, the person on my left got off, then this guy holding some plastic bags with stuff inside, came and sat there. He seemed a bit weird... bent to the right looking out the other side, fidgeting, not being able to sit still. Then i smelt a grapey smell. Hmm... I just carried on with reading my econs notes. Then he took out his hankey... flicked it ( i was getting a bit irritated), then he brought it to his mouth and vomitted!!!!!!! And guess what? U got it! It happily spilled on me... or rather, he couldn't cover his mouth properly and it... spilled on me...??? and my notes. UGH.
I took out tissue and wiped myself. There was a big patch on my shirt and there was some of the stuff on my hand. I wiped and i smelled of wine and... oh nvm... I got up after that and just stood up. One indian guy went to sit on my seat after a while, not knowing what happened. I wanted to warn him, but... ugh. I didn't... bad of me, i think... i dunno... but also kinda bad if i spoke infront of the drunkard. Oh well, i got off the train at clementi and took a cab back. What else was i supposed to do with a smelly patch on my shirt and a semi-disgusted look on my face?
Still, I am in awe at God's love... in me... I've always prayed for God to give me His love... for me to have His love. The last thoughts about that guy in my head were something like: bless him, Father... he probably has problems and got himself drunk. And coz he looked so tired and frolorn.... well, i just kept repeating in my head: bless him, bless him, bless him Lord...
Hmm... I'm not bragging abt myself. Really... i'm just... amazed at what God does. Either God is amazing or i'm not human. Imagine if he sat next to an ah lian. hmmm........................ Oh well, he sat next to a gil-LIAN. Hahaha... corny. Haiz... i did feel a bit angry when i got out of the taxi (waste money and i felt so disgusted), but i asked God to take away the anger and told myself it wasn't his fault. It wasn't on purpose what... Yah.. Haiz... God loves to test me. I do wonder why. Oh well, need to study. Tata.
Gillianwrote.
10:36 PM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Haha... hahahahahaha... now i feel numb. Coz i choose to. Then, if i think too much, think too deep, i'll feel my eyes moist. Blah blah... trying to feel neutral so i'll be alright. To all who are concerned/worried, don't be. I chose this path. Perhaps i'm even proud to say i chose this path. Hopefully it is a holy pride.
To the one concerned... perhaps i feel better after u said that u weren't going tonight. When u said that there was a change of plans. Am i selfish? Or is it that............. Nevermind. What's the use? U won't read this anyway. U never did, did u? Though perhaps i wish u did and do without me knowing, without telling me. Hearts break, hearts will be mended... after a while. It just depends how long the 'while' is and how deep the hurt at present. It's these kinda times where i want to walk alone in the night on a hill, in a park, somewhere quiet. I'll be alone most of the time... or perhaps with God and only God... talking to Him, looking at His glorious creations from level 7 of engine...? Haha... my favourite place now, especially after 12 midnight... after 2am... so serene, so quiet, so full of mystery and wonder and beauty. I guess a friend's favourite place on campus has become mine too. Hmmm...
Nice security guard was there last night at 2am... It was windy and semi-raining and... COLD. Thank goodness i brought my jacket. The tutorial room near me was unlocked, but i guess no one was supposed to study in the rm, but the guard saw me and he said smthg like: "if it's too cold then u go in... if anyone asks u why u're here, tell them that the security guard warned u already and is coming to lock the room soon." So nice! (unlike the onee who patrols ard AS6. Heheh). And just before that, i stopped reading my English and took out something i found on the net and printed abt how real God is. Funny, huh? But i loved it outside albeit the cold wind. It was such a nice experience, studying and doing stuff there. Hmm... maybe i am a simple girl... haha... Ok, should be doing my changing landscapes now and i hear watermelon being chopped... *attack!!!*
Gillianwrote.
3:26 PM
Ever cried urself to sleep?
I do that every night now.
Ever thought of someone u love?
I do it ever so often now.
Ever wanted something u can't have?
I feel it all the time now.
Ever knew u could have it if u chose?
I know that even now.
Ever considered turning back?
I always think of it now.
Ever felt u've sacrificed so much?
I keep feeling that now.
Ever forced urself to do something right?
Been doing that since that day till now.
Ever thought that life's not fair?
I consider it every moment now.
Ever wanted it so bad and then u know u can't, so u cry till u want to disappear from the surface of the earth. You try not to think about it, bury urself in books and work... BUT it keeps coming back... the hurt keeps coming back... the thoughts keep coming back... the memories keep coming back... the words keep coming back... the day keeps coming back... and worse of all... the love keeps coming back.... but.... no, u can't have it. U can't. The decision is right, The decision should be final, the decision is a choice. Lay down everything, take up the cross and follow Me.
http://www.donghaeng.net/english/duty.htm
Gillianwrote.
3:05 AM
Friday, April 08, 2005
Listening to a piece of music that kk sent me... Nice piece. Thanks man...
Well... such a nice piece of music... instrumental... no lyrics, no words, no 'i miss u' or 'i love u' or 'i feel like my heart got torn apart' crap. Hah...
Reflecting when listening to this piece... Reflecting when walking back from enigne... Reflecting... thinking... Thinking of crying... Then tears well up but u force them back in, blink and pretend u're not feeling anything. To regret doing something that was right is no joke, no easy task for a fragile heart which tries to appear strong and unwavering. One who pretends to be tough when she is not deep deep deep inside. Caught between a rock and a hard place even though u can choose to get out of there. It's not easy and actually, u've made the decision already, done what u have to do... but somwhow, u're still stuck.
Look at Gilian. Supposed to be studying, but just can't stop thinking. She's got to stop. She'd better stop. She's always fine and cheery... But inside, she's dying, do u understand? She's dying, not that anyone can help her... She's dying not becasue someone is hurting her but because she is hurting people and she just can't stand it... but she has to do it... Yet she believes that... one day... some day.. she's see the light and soar above the storm. Right now though... she's dying...
Gillianwrote.
12:47 AM
Thursday, April 07, 2005
It's 4.05am. Yeah... and i'm up! Terrible me. I'd better not screw up my bio clock (aka circadian system). I just came back from engine not too long ago and fed a couple of mosquitoes. One of them was particularly hungry... probably mugging and hungry at night, like me. Hahaha... Fine... 15 days to the start of exams and i haven't progressed yet. Like my new msn nick: "Contract pending for brain to accept: work for the next month and get 3 months' leave". Haha... Oh well... what can i say. Let me write down what i intend to do during my holidays besides RHOC.
1) Read Victor Frankel
2) Read Sigmund Freud
3) Read a christian book (perhaps God Chasers)
4) Revise PL 1101E (such a gd mod, that)
5) Go to all the fantastic places in NUS at night (now i've found a place with a super good view in engine...*dreamy* i think it's faz's or WAS faz's fav spot. He said they built some stupid building that blocked some of the scenery)
6) Go someplace for a holiday. Maybe M'sia coz it's near, maybe Thailand... or just go on ONE holiday with my family, prob to Melbourne or smthg...
7) Watch LOTR and other movies that pple claim i have to watch
8) Shop with friends!
9) Get a life.
Haiz... when it's exam period, one just feels like doing everything. That's why i decided to write in my blog the stuff i wanna do after exams... so i won't forget. Yep.
Thoughts: I am so susceptible to thinking of stupid things whenever there's a nice song playing or there's beautiful scenery or stuff like that. I really don't know what my life will bring though i know that i have to make many decisions for myself, i will definitely make them by looking at things from a spiritual point of view. Hope i am strong enough, good enough.
Oh... and i started leading cell with Lewis. I know i love the kids already. Darn. But i'm not close to them yet. Don't know how to teach them, don't know if they like me, don't know if they'll respect me and obey me. Blueh... new challenges are always tough ones. Living life through decisions which u made and because of that, sacrificing many things... that's always tough and always will be.
Sometimes, i wonder if i make the right decisions in life. If there really is a right and wrong decision... or is it that whatever u choose, as long as not obviously wrong (where choices just lead u to a yet another rock in life's river) it is how u respond and ur attitude in hat circumstance. Hmm... am i making sense here? If i'm not, it means i'm too tired. If i am... wow.
Ok, i NEED sleep. Not that i can't stay up for longer, but i think i really should sleep. Nitey nitez!
Gillianwrote.
4:06 AM
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Hmm... interesting day... and so i think. Not 'good', but just... interesting. The treat, the
conversation... I did have a nice time at pheonix garden cafe though... talked a lot, ate more than a lot. Good, good, goooooooooood chocolate mousse and durian log cake!!! Mmmmm....
Yeah... how do i describe the day? INTERESTING. By the way, to all the DnD majors and our mm, thanks for the wonderFULL treat!!! Hee... Yum! After dinner we walked along Orchard (at 10pm) and talked about so much stupid stuff... mostly suaning Casper. Hahaha... Jane ah... cannot lah, huh? Casper must be loyal to Jia Hui!!! hahahaha... Chevrolet with maintainance and CEO indeed. But to Casper (kor, if i may call u, and if u'll ever read my blog...) thanks for the concern! Yuan(2) lai(2) gui(3) ye(2) you(2) xin(1)! Hee...
Jane dear... what u want for ur b'day... why ur b'day so close to exams?? Haiz... I'm not Casper, so won't get car for u. Haha... Anyway, really enjoy the company of DnD pple, esp Syl and Jane! Luv u all!!! Ok lah... i'll stop writing... it's getting frivolous. Tata...
Gillianwrote.
1:22 AM
