-ME-

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Being convinced and having conviction is different. I've learnt that. But humans... always want reasoning.
The Lord will provide when He calls. He will provide.
I don't want to be blamed for not trying. I don't want to be guilty for not trying. And most importantly, i do not want to lose hope for those i feel are lost.
Because God loves all of us. All.

Romans 5:7-8
Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

That's something else i've learnt.

One other thing that i have recently felt: the sense of urgency for those still in darkness. The end is near. There may be the End Time Church where pple are so caught up in arguments, caught up in activities that they forget who exactly they are doing these for. I do not want to be part of that church.
Therefore, even though i have much to write back, i will not. I think this has gone far enough, maybe even too far. I apologize to God and to you. Sorry... I have asked God for forgiveness for this. For arguing over what is not neccessary.
The fact of the matter is that God is just too real to me to deny. I try to share. I run even though i know i may not get far because somehow... maybe it gets pple thinking. It gets pple questioning and perhaps someday, they find their answer in God. My God. I don't care what logic and theories there are about everyone worshipping the same God. Once u get God wrong, u get God wrong. No 2 ways about it.
I'll end here and start packing to move back to hall.

Gillianwrote.
9:36 PM

Saturday, May 28, 2005

To a friend (who i do still consider a friend, btw) and to everyone else who argues against christianity, quotes from a friend and my own thoughts:
Why argue over these things? Or rather, why keep asking questions? A good debator or rationale people will know that no matter how many relevant questions one asks, but does not give substance in an argument, the debate is one-sided. In short, not fair. The one who asks a lot of questions does not mean he's the 'winner' just because the other party cannot answer the questions.
Moreover, if u do not have faith or belief whatsoever, even if Jesus Christ himself appear infront of u at this very instant, u would doubt and not believe. So... what's the point of arguing?
I will tell you that i believe in Jesus Christ, i believe in my God and i believe in the Holy Spirit. Whether u choose to believe it or not, is ultimately your choice. I believe that every person has a good side. Every person on the surface of this earth is worth saving. Every person on this earth is worth any and every effort i put into sharing with him/her about Christ because, i don't want to see anyone burning in hell, suffering for ETERNITY. If i'm that concerned, i don't see why u can't give me at least minimal respect and appreciation. Ok, maybe i can. But do at least show u're trying?? That's to all out there who are bombarding Christians with questions. We Christians are still humans, mind you. We do not know everything about the bible, every explanation and every detail about what happened 2005 yrs back or even before that. We tell u what we believe, try our best to tell u why. That's it. Some of the questions you ask, we are still trying to figure out ourselves. In short, give us a break!!!
That's all i've gotta say for now. Hope it sinks in. Btw, i do not feel that Christianity is the superior religion, nor is Christianity the religion. I know that Jesus Christ is the God. That's all that matters, that's all that ever will.

Gillianwrote.
11:46 PM

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Hmm... to a friend: i don't want this to be argument, but have to clear certain things. I do not have picture of Jesus, crucifixes etc. Catholics do. And, correct me if i'm wrong, but taoists and even my grandma has to pray to her idol everyday... hmm... Muslims are similar to Christians in that they do not have 'idols' (the one pple pray to, not other stuff tt we may put b4 God). I know i will continue my faith without physical things. Kneeling down tp pray is a sign of humbling oneself before God in the Christian context. Not a must. It is not a ritual. It is done when the Holy Spirit leads, not because that is part of religion.
What i am doing now, is making a case for my God, not boasting about my rituals. I am stating these because i love my God and i know that He is real. I am trying to convince people not to prove that i am right, but because i want everyone to know of God's love for them and how he died on the cross for all. Jesus has already died on the cross for our sins. It has already been done. Some religions base the fact that if you do a lot of good works then u will be reincarnated into a human. That is based on works. Christianity is the only religion in the world where all has been done. Sins paid for. "For the wages of sin is death and the gift of God is eternal life." The WAGES of sin is death, but the GIFT of God is eternal life. U have to pay for ur sin, but only by God's grace can u be saved. It's like a judge... only by his grace will u not be sentenced to death. HOw to get the gift is by believing and receiving the gift. It is being offered to everyone, but some doubt. Like i offer u a candy bar... u may think"is it poisoned?" Also, if reincarnation were true, then all of us shd be vegetarians. What if the pig u eat or sacrifice to ur ancestors was actually one of them in the 1st place? And if it were to be fair, then all of us must start off as the same beings. All humans? All ameobas? Also, the quantity of beings and creatures shd be the same throughout history, but it is ever changing!
I can't say i know every single thing about the bible. No human knows every single thing about their religion. I heard over the radio that muslims were arguing whether they shd know what they're praying during prayer... something like if they shd have an interpreter. Of course they shd! Why say smthg when u don't know what it means and it is the bulk of ur prayer. We pray in tongues because it is led by the Spirit. We also pray in languages that we can understand.
No offence to Muslims, but... why does a convert have to be kicked out of the family? Doesn't this mean almost no free choice at all?
For the benefit of all those i care about, i will post some stuff on apologetics once i have the time. So read my blog regularly if u are interested.

Gillianwrote.
9:39 PM

Monday, May 23, 2005

a poem i thought of before going to bed last night:

Come into the house of fun
Where you can do anything you want.
Come into the house of fun
Where you can paint it blue or green.

Come into the house of fun
Change from moon to sun.
Coe into the house of fun
And change that back again.

Come into the house of fun
And play with all the pretty dolls.
Come into the house of fun
And drink till night is morn.

But
If you wat to
Come into my little heart

You'd better skip that house of fun.

Gillianwrote.
12:27 AM

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Thinking out loud helps me answer a lot of questions. One of my friends suggested that perhaps idols are not worshipped, but used as 'a vessel to seek the higher being represented'. (no offence, my friend...) But i think that if a God is real, He doesn't need to be represented by a work of Man. He is greater than all that. Moreover, one is only represented when he cannot represent himself. If one is God, he should be able to represent himself. He should be one who is omnipresent and able to be sought wherever we humans need Him (sorry for those who believe in female god/s. He is just used generically).
I just attended my church's miracle service yesterday. A teenage girl aroung my age was healed of leukemia, a lady who stood in proxy for her mother and monk of a brother who were in Thailand could allow God's healing power to flow and deliver the mother from bowed legs and the brother from swelling on the body. The 3 testified on Saturday. These miracles, i have not heard any of my friends of other religions testify. Wheelchair bond people walk again. People with one leg shorter than the other experienced the growth of the shorter leg till it is of the same length as the other. Is my God real??? Hah!
Sorrie... sound boastful, but i boast in the Lord. Amen and amen.

Gillianwrote.
11:36 PM

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Hmm... Went shopping with nette today. Got a pair of slippers. She got a skirt that she is currently super in love with. Ate at bugis cafe during lunch. Food there is so cheap and reasonable! Will definitely got there again. Anyone??? The salad was good. Really substantial, not like a few leaves and a slice of tomato kind of salad (erhem... doesn't that sound familiar, NUS FASS students??) Oh well...
After that, i went to the Singapore Arts Museum with nette and her friend Kenneth aka Blake. Cool middle name. A guy with a good sense of humour and who's nice. Right on, blake! Anyway... I'm still thinking about that 'map of south america' painting. Now that i think of it, i think that there's no way it was really a map of south america. Rather, i think that the dinosaur skeleton represents the rich culture and heritage as well as poverty. The skeleton is larger than the handbag meaning that there are more poor than rich is outh america, ie not all are wealthy. The skeleton is nearer the edge of the painting because most of the poor live on the edge of the continent...? Hmm... not sure. Love prac crit, love abstract art and trying to analyse them. Interesting...
Ok... halo chewbacca. Nette and kenneth didn't want u coz the package said '3 years and older'. Honest little kids they are. *pat pat*
Hahaha... oh well... lame jokes. Hmm... what kenneth said made me relect on my past. He said he thought i was a little quiet at first but then, when i spoke up, was kinda corny. Haha... true, eh? Well... i remeber my sec sch days... was quiet and coz i was too guai by changkat terms, was kinda left out. Until my upper sec... that was when i started opening up, i guess. Then i met netter too. I guessed she helped a bit. Haha... thanks gurl... *hugz*
Ok, shan't bore u readers abt my life story. Hee... not a bad day today. Think i have neglected some cell responsibilities though. Better call some of my members tomorrow. Tata everyone!

Gillianwrote.
12:51 AM

Friday, May 13, 2005

Feel like crap.

Really feel like crap. Not fit to be in my position. Hate Satan, need God. Feel like the crappiest crap there ever was and ever would be.

Gillianwrote.
10:34 PM

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Met Jeanne for lunch... got lost along the way. Miss ya gurl!!! Haha... My one and only darling. Like real... Haha... Patch and oreo misses u k... when u gonna come see them? *grin*
Met Daryl for 'high-tea' today too. Jedi mudster!!! Mmmmmmmm...... Thanks daryl!!! Yiling better go with us next week so can eat Jedi mudster then see Star Wars Episode 3! Haha... so appropriate (and lame).
Still thinking about how to teach he kids on sunday about lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and the pride of life. So cheem for them, i think. How??? Hmm... hope it will end up being interesting - by unction and God's grace.
Ok, gotta call the little ones. Tata!

Gillianwrote.
7:41 PM

Monday, May 02, 2005

Stoopid stoopid stoopid stoopid. I'm angry at myself. I can't get things done. My cell group demands so much commitment, especially with Lewis setting the standard. Not that the standard is bad. It's just too good. He knows them all better than i do... I'm feeling super inferior. I can't fit the bill, can't give up so much time, can't give up so much money for them. Can't give so much affection? I'm just too conservative. Hope i can change that. But what the heck... i've been trying to change that for ages... Since i was in secondary school and i think even from primary school. I know i love... i love too much. I love but can't show it. It tirtures me somehow and i just don't know what to do. $20 for CDs and name cards from me alone. I can't spare the cash but i can't make lewis pay all of it. Shit i hate myself. I needf to work and earn money... then i won't have time for them. And RHOC will take up so much time. God... hat am i supposed to do???
Maybe i'll just quit hall. I'm damn serious. Maybe next sem i'll go to extension A. I'm dead serious. I cannot commit to hall activities and cell group and school work and friendship. It's just too much for me to handle. Unless... God shows me a way out. I dunno what i'm gonna do. I just don't. I have no time to read Christian books, no time to talk to lewis but i have to. I have so much to learn from him, so much to know about this cell group. I want to know about this cell. I want them to love me like they do lewis. I want to be close to them. I want to help them grow. So much to handle, so much to do, so much to commit to. Sorry RH, i'm gonna put God and my members first. Too bad. Really. I'll try my best to fulfill my roles here, but if i can't then my priorities have to come first. Gonna train myself to sleep less, till i need 6 hrs of sleep or less. Currently i need at least 8. U stupid Satan... i hate ur guts. Go away. God, give me the strength i need. Give me time management, give me courage, give me confidence, give me so much love i can't be shy to give it away. GIVE ME FOR I ASK IN JESUS' NAME. Gotta study now. Anoit me, bless me.

Gillianwrote.
2:33 AM

Why Lord? Why??? Is it not your will? Or did i pray according to what i wanted instead of for the benefit of others? Why?? Why??? Why??? I wanted so much for a miracle... I wanted so much for your Holy Spirit to move into that household, to heal, to deliver. Yet...
There are more things to pray for... more for Your Spirit to take control of... if it is Your will. But Lord, i want to know. I want to know!!! You said ask and u will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you... I am asking. I am seeking. I am knocking, Lord. So many pple are. So many Christians are. You have done so much. So many miracles in the miracle service... but i haven't experience it near me... I want it. I want it. I want it. Honour my choice. Honour my spiritual want. And through this, honour Yourself. I know Your plan for me is great. I know, i believe. Show me. Show me. Guide me. Lead me. That is the desire of my heart. Honour it, Father, i pray. With all my heart. Amen. So shall it be.

Gillianwrote.
1:32 AM

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I'm ok now... Wasn't ok a few hours back. Was in cell group listening to Lewis when i felt sick. I don't really know how to define the sick feeling, but i think i wanted to vomit. It was like there's something stuck somewhere in your body and it can't come out (no... not from the bottom...). I dunno... i felt uncomfortable and broke out in sweat... cold sweat, i believe... I went out to rest on a chair after i went to the toilet. Got myself a cup of water (thank gdness golden pines has a water dispenser) and slouched in the chair. Really. I couldn't sit up. Pangs of pain in my tummy, felt something stuck, felt like vomiting and i think at times felt like fainting or needing to close my eyes to keep conscious. It was terrible.

Darren's cell group ended 1st... everyone knew i wasn't ok... said i looked terribly pale. Darren prayed for me before he left. Then Saloam. Then my cell group ended. I think everyone was wondering where i was. My little members... the girls were all concerned. They just hung around, not knowing what to do... but i was so grateful for their concern... And Joshua.. my little Joshua poured me a cup of water with the help of some other guys (he didn't see mine). So sweet... was so touched. Just a little gesture. Love that little angel. Jeanette the new girl... today was her 1st day with us and she had to see her leader like that. But she's so sweet also. Haiz... Love them so much. But some of the guys who walked past me broke my heart. *sigh* Guess they were too eager to go for lunch. Oh well...

I called my dad and he came to pick me up after i went to the toilet halfway while Lewis was praying for me coz i really felt like vomit was coming. Staggered to the car. Laid down at the back and drove home. Transfered myself, with the help of dad, to the couch and just slept.
I'm still alive!!! Haha... Dad said he kinda thought i was going to die. He said my lips were black and white (like a dead person's) and that i was pale. I wonder where my blood went to...
Hmm... i recall the same incident on another Sunday last year (i think). Equally bad or worse. Nic was there that time. Don't know if it is spiritual attack... but last year, there wasn't much of reasin for it to be that. I don't know. Just thank God that i'm alive and ask him to show me the reason for this in the future...

Gillianwrote.
3:56 PM