Monday, March 07, 2005
I'm suppoed to be studying, but just had a sudden rush of emotions? Maybe it's just coz i'm listening to Jars of Clay. Music does this to me sometimes. Feel the distance between God and myself an di do wanna bridge the gap. "Say i heard every word, but i saw u tur away; eyes were colder than winter." "Famous last words: i'm not ready yet, won't be gone a minute..." "Will i ever know that i was in love?? In love... in love..." (alarm clock rings).
Oh well... one other thing that i'm thinking about right now: Is my love for him still real? Or is it just for the sake of hanging on and not losing anything? What will i do if in the future... IF... at times, things seem so fake. Like we're trying to just strike it out, pull it off. Or are there really still feelings there? somewhere... "Not knowing what is in it. Not knowing what is beyond. Not knowing what i'm going through." Yeah... i dunno what i'm going through. Me, myself, Gillian doesn't know what
I am going through. Sounds ridiculous, but that's how it is. There was something, definitely... but now... after 6+ months of not seeing him, not interacting much... there is just this doubt. His freind probably know im better than i do. Even those he knows only for 2 mths? I've know him for almost 3 and a half yrs now, but yet... what do i know? Indeed, what do i know???
Then again... why does
he wanna hold on? He's staying with a couple of girls n seremban, was staying with a few girls in KL (housemates). I've seen pictures of his friends... they're pretty... why does he hold on? I dunno if ultimately, it would be worth all this torment and perhaps what i cld call suffering. Talked to him on Saturday night. It seemed a little fake at first, then we made each other laugh. But... is that all to it? Is that all to love? Is that really love at all? Or is love such a complex term that even not having the person near u and caring for you, can be considered as one of its many definitions? All i can say is, "I don't know. Anything."
I'm grateful to friend i have who try to console, comfort, talk to me. Who help me along in life. Thanks. It's just that... sometimes, when i walk and it starts raining... i just imagine what it would be like to suddenly be sheltered, turn back and see that it is someone with an umbrella... hoping that that someone would be him... Ahh... Shucks. I'm crying. Ugh. What's a big girl like me doing crying?? Perhaps.. i'm not a big girl. Perhaps i'm just a girl who appears to be independent but really want to be spoilt, pampered, shown love... Ahhh... crap. Shuddup gil.
I have this notion that one day i'll be mad. Really. Maybe senile, or have dissociative identity disorder... and i can choose to forget stuff. Choose not to feel pain... Don't pple feel like that once in a while? Well, i think i feel it pretty often. Maybe thinking abt that itself will really drive me towards this notion. I do wonder...
Ok, i've calmed down. We'll see when these stoopid things will well up in my head again.
On a much happier note: I'm gonna start on a new written journal!!! I've finally exhausted the pages of my old one. However, sometimes when i enter a blog, i dun write down stuff in my journal... so... add both together and u'll get a "story of a girl, who cried a river and drown the whole world..."
Gillianwrote.
10:17 AM
